While I am happy now, I would give anything to go back in the past. At the time, I was deeply unsettled anyway — The issue was, I was a boundary-less doormat, there’s no polite way to put it to myself. Yet despite my discomfort, disgust, I continued, hoping at the time to make her happy.

I don’t blame her either. If it wasn’t her that I attached myself so co-dependently onto, it would’ve been someone else. Of course, we’re much better now — I’d consider her an extremely close friend, and I’m glad she saw that if I had been at all in my right mind, it never would’ve happened. But neither of us were.

So, she sees me. Why do I want to go back? I suppose because then I could salvage everything else. I hold the weight of so many lost connections — of pain that was born less in the moment, and more in retrospect (For both sides). No matter what I do now, those who wish to see me in such a triggering & disgusting way will always do so. I don’t blame them — I can’t, really. They wouldn’t know the in’s & out’s of what happened, how my mind works, how I raised, nor what I’ve been doing in therapy for over a year and half now. My efforts are made for myself, of course. I suppose I’ll always selfishly want praise, as much as I try to shed my pride.

However, I think… If I was truly given a magical button that sent me back, that made it possible to prevent everything… I wouldn’t. It made me more mature, compassionate, open. I’m working on humility. It showed me who my friends weren’t & were — who could believe in me when no one else did. Surprisingly, that was the very person who was the catalyst, too. It’s an ironic and bittersweet thought, but it comforts me, just as her presence in my life does in general — though I still hold her at arm’s length at times.

I no longer worry about image and the like. What you see is what you get. I no longer consider myself a reflection of what others think of me. I am me, and I will not allow people to give my actions intention, nor retroactively try to claim my behavior as malicious. I am not what anyone thinks I am; I am simply me.