Hello, dear Doctor. Pleasant seeing you in my inbox!

🎧✿ ྉ “I’d rather cry because I miss you than be with you and be mean.”
🎀✿ ྉ The past two weeks have been turbulent though peaceful. I got scammed and had to order a new debit card. I had fun on a date. I cried over my date. I got new jeans and maryjanes. I’ve thought of selling my clothes properly. I’ve been seeing so many butterflies as of late; blue & green ones sicken me at times and I feel grateful for them otherwise. Finality is not easy, I fear. I don’t do well with it. Neither do I well with change. You think they’d be opposites, but they often go hand in hand. Tomorrow will be lovely : I’m waking at four a.m., getting picked up, watching the sunrise while fishing, then meeting prom boy’s parents. I hope I can keep my mouth shut!

I ask this as I had my very own prom last night.

I had some expectations : Dancing with random faceless men in my journey for attention, spending the night with friends, feeling generally like a princess.

We took edibles before hopping into the limo we rented, some of the first to get there. All my friends said I looked like a true Snow White in my navy blue and gold attire. We got there and the cereal bar started hitting, so I sat down for a while before dancing.

Once I was done, I went back to the table, to find my IRL with a guy whom I’ve seen once or twice before, always thinking he was cute. I told him as much, and he told me he actually had a crush on me since my sophomore year. My, oh my! I turned away from him for a moment and he pointed out something that was on my phone screen — in my embarrassment, I slapped his arm how I would anyone only to realize he was holding water. It completely spilled all over him.

Everyone hated me except him for a good 05 minutes. To forget my embarrassment, I went back to dancing. When I came back (about a half hour later) I ran into him and apologized again. He said it was no worries and that he was still hoping I’d be his date. I said sure.

From there, I got into his car and he took me to Burger King, we threw fries at passerbies from the roof, and then the night was over.

All things considered, it was the most magic I’ve ever experienced in reality.

It’s okay to ask, but it’ll be a bit difficult for me to put my thoughts into words until I actually start researching it.

For now, the simple version is :

Patterned 〜 Due to being [unknowingly/knowingly] abused, a victim may go on to internalize their abuser’s behavior and repeat it habitually. Or, they may develop abusive behavior [Guilt tripping, suicide baiting] as a result of compromised emotional wellbeing after being abused. The main aspect is that they do not hurt others out of conscious thought — simply because it may all they know.

Pathological 〜 There is an intent to hurt others through their actions, typically for the sake of pleasure or to keep themselves in power. This may also be learned, but it’s typically much harder for a pathological abuser to want to change, even if their behavior becomes self-harming as they become lonely and feign relationships solely for the sake of their ego, rather than a desire for human connection.